I have always had a problem getting out of my own head. If you don’t understand what that’s like or what it refers to it’s difficult to explain. It’s like there are always so many thoughts going through my brain (even when I’m begging it to shut up, please!) that I get lost in it and have trouble being present. To the outside word it probably looks like I am extremely introverted, which I am, but it’s also that I can’t seem to escape my many many thoughts. Who would have thought that thinking would be such a pain in the ass?!?!?! It’s a curse. It means I have trouble focusing, I can appear selfish, I am always worrying and a whole myriad of other unfortunate things.
What I’m saying is that my intention with this blog was to write about my experiences but for the last several months I have been so “in my own head” that it’s felt impossible to put my thoughts onto paper (or in this case, to type them out). In the past it’s been beneficial to me to write about my experience with anxiety and it’s been an incredible coping mechanism; that’s what I was hoping for this blog. There is still hope that it can happen but it’s been really hard for me to express myself lately. I’ve stopped talking about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and totally retreated inwards. Not really by choice it sort of happened gradually as I was adjusting my medication dosage and trying to convince myself that I am the one in control of my brain, not the other way around. There have been a lot of days that I have felt like a prisoner inside my own mind, like I just can’t escape my anxious thoughts and it would have really helped to be able to express my thoughts but I literally couldn’t.
Throughout the last little bit my husband has been my rock, as cliche as that metaphor is. I must have asked him a thousand times If I will be okay and each time he still says yes with a convincing look on his face. I’m starting to feel like myself again after months with changing medication doses and suffering through panic attacks and a large part of that is because of my husband. He has been the voice joking with me when I can’t get out of my head, the voice that brings me back to reality when I feel like I’m spinning out of control.